Before you can fix something about yourself, you have to look back and see when the problem started. I have very little to complain about in regards to my child hood. I know that some people can say some horrible things about the way they grew up I will admit I was very lucky in that regard. I had two very loving parents that work very hard to provide for us, I grew up with 8 brothers and sisters (granted there was only 3 of us living at home when I was growing up), and I have nieces and nephews that were very close in age. I always had people around me in the regards of family and I was very happy. Here is the thing, have you ever been in a room full of people and felt like you don’t belong? It’s really scary to be around a bunch of people that love you and feel unwanted. This by no means is any of my family members fault they are very loving and showed me in every why they knew how, it was more something in my brain. My self worth disappeared somewhere between childhood- adulthood and this the the problem I want to fix. I am writing this post to help me begin my journey of finding myself and this is my first step.
I grew up in a home that was on surface very happy and full of joy. I grew up with a family that was/is very loving and where very important. I remember getting together with all my adult sibling and there kids and doing plays for the holidays. I created dances with my nieces and nephews (I am pretty sure they hated me for this). I felt loved everyday they were around but then the holidays were over and back to school I went.
I wasn’t bullied at school, or treated with disrespect in any way at least to my face. I just felt lonely, don’t get me wrong I had “friends” but not the lets hang out after school friends. I would make friends, and then I would loose them by saying the wrong thing. I never felt like I belonged in their groups. I would hang out with I guess you would call “the gloths” although they were a very happy group of people just miss understood. I think they like to stay on the outside of the “popular groups” because they just didn’t have much in common. I had a person confide in my and tell me he was gay and I was so honored that he trusted me because he seemed like he was struggling. I didn’t judge or make a big deal, and I felt like I was super supportive (not to tut my own horn), I don’t know if something happened in his personal life but we stopped talking. We didn’t have a fight, and we weren’t the best of friends to begin with; we just never talked after that. I think he might of just wanted to tell someone and I was pretty anti social (not awkward, just didn’t hang out with anybody in particular) and I was pretty accepting of everyone.
I kind of got off subject so I noticed a difference in myself I would say in middle school. We moved and I was shy, and uncomfortable in a new environment, I had some jealousy because my brother made friends right away. I never felt like I belonged with the group of people, I had my best friends where I use to live and I had to leave them. Know that I think about it although I loved my friends in Gypsum, and missed them so very much when I moved I didn’t really feel like I belonged there either. So you are kind of getting my theme, even while everything was perfect my brain would get in the way. So as I became older I would gain weight I don’t think it was ever really quickly it just kind of crept up. The thing about weight gain in kids/teenagers is you don’t really know what to do. My family would make hints that I should be in a sport, or comment on my cloths not fitting right but they would never say anything to hurt my feelings. This went on for most of my school life I never got super overweight, I probably could of lost a few pounds but I never felt “fat” per say just knew I didn’t look the way I wanted to.
I don’t know what flipped in my head my senior year but I wanted to be in sports. I got so tired of not having friends, and really tired of my house. It might of had something to do with some family stuff that happened at home, and some hurtful comments that were said my junior year but I just wanted to prove I was better. I can’t tell you better at what but I just knew I had to prove something to someone. So I joined basketball and I sucked at it, I was the slowest, heaviest, and I was the only senior on the C team (mostly made up of freshman). I loved it every second of it, I felt so good belonging to something. I probably made like 2 baskets during a game but because I had a big butty I could box out like no one business. I lost weight although this wasn’t really something I worried about at the time, started feeling confident in all aspects of my life, and I made friends. I never had a real boyfriend per say I had crushes, and hung out with guys over the years that I would hold hands with and do the whole girl giggle with but I didn’t even want one at this point. I was just happy to be me for the very first time in a long time.
It was nice to feel that but with every good there comes some bad. The friend I hung out with the most was the best of friends but she was part of the in crowd. I was invited to my first party by her and although I was super nervous I found out my brother was going to be their too so I went. This started my “rebellion stage” my mom would call it. Anyways I wasn’t very good at handling peer pressure and I drank for the first time. I was so happy and that became a cycle for the next year into collage. I met my first boyfriend there and I thought I was in love for the first time and part of me still thinks I was but he was a heavy drinker as well. We went to lots of parties together and although my weight was never a concern at this point I was not really living a life I was proud of. I missed all my classes and became very dependent on my parents financially and was very irresponsible.
One day I was done, I think what helped me was my brother who I was living with at the time told me he was going to join the Navy. I was so proud of him for making that decision and part of me wanted to join him. I had to clean my act up so I broke up with my boyfriend, officially dropped out of collage (it was not what I wanted at the time and I was just throwing money away), and got a job at Wal-Mart. I met the man I call my husband today Luke and he had a little boy Brian that I fell in love with at first site. My weight at this time was not where I wanted it but it still wasn’t my main concern. The more I think about it I don’t think my weight became a concern until after Jackson was born. See my weight was higher then I would have liked, and I was aware of it at times when I tried on my prom dresses for instance, or any time I tried on cloths but I fixed that by not trying on clothes. If I needed new clothes I would grab something of the rack buy it and if it didn’t fit I would just go grab another one a size bigger. I think I was in denial for a long time but I lost 30lbs when I was pregnant. One thing I was not aware of is when you are over weight when you find out you are pregnant it is normal to lose weight according to my doctor, especially when the little person inside you only wants salad, cottage cheese, and eggs (he is still like this at the age of 7).
Anyways right after I had Jackson I was probably the smallest I ever have been and I was still loosing weight due to breast feeding and I felt amazing and everything was finally right with the world. On November 27th 2009 while we were at some parade or something I got a phone call that changed everything happy in my life for a very long time. My mom past away and I was devastated to say the least. I was on maternity leave and just decided I was not going back to work. I was alive and breathing but everything around me was clouded. I was so happy when I saw my kids but I wanted to lock my small family in the house and not let anything else hurt us. I was eating like no ones business, something I learned about myself that when I am stressed or depressed I eat. I didn’t get dressed most days, although I changed so much I took care of the kids everyday and they were my only reason for opening my eyes most morning. I would say I probably had some case of depression but of course I decided I didn’t need to talk to anyone. I just ate, and fought Luke my husband, and played with the kids. I felt the loneliest I had ever felt because my best friend was not longer a phone call away.
I tried to move past it on my own but all that happened was I just ate, and once my weight got out of control that I could not longer fit in my clothes I would feel even worse about myself and then I would eat. I was in this cycle for a very long time and by the time I wanted to make the change I didn’t even know where to start. The thing at least for me with being over weight is you can ignore it for a very long time. You can look in the mirror but when you look in the mirror you don’t look any lower then the neck. Just do your hair or makeup ( I personally don’t were makeup) but don’t look any lower. If your pants don’t fit you just throw it across the room get disappointed put on some sweat pants with an elastic waist and go eat something. So this self denial just keeps going around and around that you finally admit that something has to give and you don’t even know where to start. So you read about it and every thing you pick up is eat this or that, then you pick up something else to read and they say don’t eat what the last book just told you to eat. The worst part is when you have friends or family that are skinny and you ask “what do you eat to stay so thin, I’m trying to figure out how to loose weight correctly”, and there response “O’ I don’t know whatever is put in front of me pizza, chicken nuggets, anything really. I’ve just never really had to worry about my weight.” That is the hardest thing for me because I hate feeling overwhelmed by anything. Your brain should know what it needs to loose weight but it tricks you by craving bread or chocolate, but it only does that because that is what it has survived on your whole life.
After this endless cycle of self hate about 5 years ago I got into reading romance (erotic) novels. I have always wanted to feel sexy and these books opened up something in my mind that I didn’t understand. This craving of wanting to be sexy, wanted, and this fantasy of a world outside of all my self doubt in my head. It gave me a safe place in my head and my food although it didn’t change much it wasn’t my fix to my depression anymore. I would loose myself in these books that would make me laugh, cry, blush, and yes feel sexy that food was no longer my obsession. In the middle of this I lost my dad to cancer. Instead of turning to food I read more than ever. Although there where parts of my life that didn’t get as much attention as need like cleaning my house, and parts of my relationships with my brothers and sisters I was coping a little better then I did when I lost my mom.
About a month into this change I decided with some conversations with my niece who was also loosing weight that I should join her gym and work out with her trainer. I was all for this I mean I needed to make the next step to get to may goal. What I wasn’t prepared for was my embarrassment of my weight, the way I looked, and how overwhelmed I would feel. My trainer was amazing in every way but when I found out he was going to weigh me once a week I would stress about it the whole week. With my stress it creates eating and that is just what I did. I knew the scale was going to say I didn’t loose any weight, I knew I was going to fail so why even try.
I didn’t give up completely though and we will take that as a win I went to all of my training meetings, and the gym on a daily bases but my food was not right. So I wasn’t loosing weight but I wasn’t gaining it either. Once all of our sessions were over we decided to be in a bigger group then just myself and my niece it was more due to the money. Although I wasn’t really wanting to do this because having a trainer actually derailed some of my success I also didn’t want to give up ( he was a very good trainer, I just could not get my mind over being overwhelmed). So it was a group of 4 now and I became more in my head. I was very good at the work outs, I never gave up, and my food was actually coming together again but I dreaded my group training sessions. I had to weigh in with everyone watching and I was so embarrassed, even though I became more accountable for my food because I didn’t want to fail in front of all these people.
When all of the group training sessions where over I decided to keep going on my own. More due to the financial aspect of having a trainer then anything else. I didn’t frequent the gym as much after this but I was still eating health and walking around our neighborhood, and working out at home. A few weeks into this we had a car accident and although we were all safe I had horrible back pain. I didn’t know what to do because I couldn’t workout, I hated taking Ibprophen or any type of med (this goes back to some family problems when I was in high school), and I just kind of gave up. My old habits of eating, and sitting on my butt all the time came back with a vengeance. The weight gain was a lot faster this time, so fast in fact I didn’t even know it was happening. I just woke up it felt like and I no longer fit in my clothes, I hurt everywhere, and I wouldn’t even take pictures anymore because I couldn’t figure out how they were adding on 20 extra pounds.
Right now I am at my heaviest about 248 pounds and it seems to go up every time I step on the scale. I don’t want this body anymore, I don’t want to hate the way I look that it starts to control other aspects of my life. I don’t like to see family members because they are going to see what I have done to myself. That is exactly it I can’t blame anyone but myself, when I got my back all fixed up I didn’t get back on track I just kept making excuses. Even when my back hurt if I just ate right, and walked around I would not be where I am today. That 248 number its not me, it is not the person I see in the mirror but remember you can look in the mirror and not seeing the whole picture. I can’t keep denying what I have become because I could easily be over 300 lbs even before the end of the summer it has been that bad. I don’t really care about the number per say but I do want to be healthy. My goal number in may head is at the 165 lb mark and I am not looking for that number by the end of the year I want to be under the 200 mark by the end of the year though. I have been watching a vloger by the name of Gracie’s Journey and she has been an inspiration to start now. She advised small goals to begin with and I agree with her so my small goal is I want to loose 5 lbs by the end of the month. I will shoot for very small right now and my hope it that I smash this goal to give me hope again. To give me self worth when I haven’t had it for well of 2 years longer if I really think about it. I want to be something in my life instead of the girl who never loved her self. I want to feel self worth and that is something I haven’t felt is so long. I want to give myself a chance to be the person I know I can be without all this self doubt.
Look at the past to see how to fix your present!
Love
Juli
Categories: Family, Reading, Weightloss
Tags: family, Reading, Weighloss