When I have major life changes I don’t know what happens to me but I seem to shut down. I don’t process everything rationally and I start to over stress. I don’t know if this is normal because the changes can be positive but I seem to be constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I will make a decision and then I will loose sleep, was that the right thing to do? runs through may head and night and day. If you suffer from this I am sorry because I don’t know what to do at times to get my mind to stop running. Even worse when your mind is running so fast you don’t even know why you are stressed because your brain is complete chaos. So here is my most resent stress that I am working through in my mind and I am hoping that writing will in someway help me work through it like it so often does.
My husband has been in college for the last 4 years but has not been working for the last 5 years. He has been able to get side jobs through that 5 years due to heavy school load and kids he hasn’t had much time for anything more. You get the picture we have had little money and are not where we saw ourselves being at our ages. We are both young him 32, me 28 so you see we have a long time to get where we want to be but sometimes its hard to look past the negative.
I think I should start with a little further back when I was younger my dream job was…. to be a stay at home mom. I wanted my kids to grow up with me to help them with lunches, and homework every night. You know do the millions of jobs that moms do just not have another job on top of that. Well Luke had a dream too be a computer programmer, or anything with computers really well we decided with the money he could be making we would get him through school then after school I would be able to full fill my dream.
Now we are back to us not being able to look past the negative. You know how you look into your future and that light at the end of the tunnel is dim if not extinguished, that is were I have been mentally the last year and a half. I don’t have any room to complain though I have been able to support my family of four with very little money and I have not been late on paying any bills. Luke was able to stay home with the kids when he wasn’t at school most of the time so I didn’t ever really have to worry about babysitters, and also saved us a lot on money.
Finally after all this financial, emotional stress, and a lot of jealousy on my part Luke got a job in October. I was jumping for joy so excited; we where going to have a good Christmas, bills were going to be paid over the minimum limit. You probably see were this is going, so his job is doing great lots of work and he is having fun YAY! school wasn’t a waste of time. In November I had a family member pass that was very close to me (read some poems for more details) and I was not processing going to work everyday with that emotional stress going on. I decided I’ll take two weeks off and become stronger, heck Luke was working and I was not mentally healthy enough to deal with office drama. I am so thankful for those 2 weeks but by the end of it Luke tells me he hasn’t gotten paid at this point they are 2 checks behind and they don’t have a date on when he will be getting paid.
Nail biter moment so I have to deal with the fact that I just took 2 very needed weeks off and now I have to figure out how to get that time back so my check will be some what decent so pay rent. At this point I just want to veg out in my bed with a good book and let the rest of the year pass me by. I of course go back to work and work as many hours as I can. This is getting a little long story so I will jump ahead a little so we are at small check, need bigger check, worked my hours, and some how Luke and I saved the day and still live in our house not doing perfect but heck who is.
Now we are at what the problem is today. Luke got another job after the other cluster fudge of the last job still owing him after 5 months a substantial amount of money. So that job seems pretty steady, good money, and life should be smooth sailing. See here is what happens when life turns a corner and everything starts coming together…something seems to go wrong. My options are mostly with what I would like to do with my job. When I think about my work I have mixed feelings the good parts are good bosses, coworkers, and I am very knowledgeable about what I am doing. Bad is its not my dream job, I do not enjoy what I do, and I am not a big fan of people because I am shy; so my stress level is at a 5 out of 10 on the most calm days.
Now with all that said, my dilemma with Luke’s new job is I have the opportunity to quit my job, or go extremely part time and spend it with my kids and full feeling my dream of being a stay at home mom for a little bit possible stressing about not working. Option 2 I could work full time and not be able to see my kids as much, higher a babysitter, and most likely be upset that I have to work at a job that I don’t love. I am all for option 1 because in general that is what I want to do but then my tricky mind reminds me of what happened in November with his last job. His last job failed to pay him and he has only been at this new job for a month. Is it smart to make a decision on a job that he hasn’t even made it to his 90 days? I want to just jump with both feet and take a risk that I think would be good for my children and myself but I am also nervous that the floor will not be there when I land.
As my favorite line in one of my favorite movies says “decisions, decisions” (Twilight- Eclipse)
Categories: Family, Uncategorized