Knowing that you lost someone and understanding why you had to loose them are two very different things. I do not understand loss on any basic level, I don’t know how your brain is suppose to process loss. I feel so disconnected from my emotions I know how I am suppose to be reacting but my heart and brain don’t connect to express my feelings. When you loose someone so quickly you go through this state of just utter confusion, anger, regret, guilt, and at some point you use inappropriate humor.
The weirdest part of all these emotions is how fast you move through them. I will go from feeling guilty to wanting to crack a joke in a minute. I am no doctor, but I can express to you that out of every emotion the hardest thing for me to move past is the anger. I am so angry at not being able to save him. I am so angry that I didn’t even know he needed help to begin with. I am so angry that my kids will never get to now him the way I did. I am so angry that I don’t understand why I had to say goodbye. I am so angry that I can’t tell one of his jokes without wanting to cry or yell. I am so angry because I am confused, that I have to live with regret and guilt, and that even the most inappropriate jokes brings me to tears.
I want to turn back the clock and save him, help him with his pain. I don’t understand how I could go to bed one night with my puzzle pieces of a life are starting to come together to it shattering by 12:30 AM. I didn’t know he was in so much pain and that makes me so sad. I keep looking back and thinking maybe I was too selfish to be there for him. I blame myself, but then I think about that and I know I couldn’t have fixed him because I was trying to fix me. I didn’t know he was lonely, or he that he hurt so much inside.
I could play the blame game all day long and get me no where, or I could move past his pain and start processing my pain. I could help those who are in pain so they don’t feel as lonely as he did. I could learn from this devastating event and teach my children the power of talking. I could grow from my heartache and stop looking at it like weakness. I am angry, confused, and riddled with guilt and regret; but I am also hopeful that I will become stronger in my parenting and life. I hate this sadness inside but I need to move past it and grow from it. I need to realize I might not get the answers I want but I will be able to teach from my experience.
RIP Big Brother: I will love you to the moon and back and although I feel angry and you for not saying goodbye, I want to find it in my heart to forgive. For not asking for help with your words, instead of pushing us away. I am sorry I couldn’t help you but I hope you are in a place that makes you happy. Although you will be severally missed I hope you have found peace in your choses, and I also hope I will find peace with your and my choices. I love you and ask that you help guide to be keep strong and hopeful.
Categories: Family