Have you ever lost someone close to you? Have you ever wondered how to grieve for them?When the best time to bring up a loss? How to talk to someone about how you feel, that has never experienced loss as powerful as what you feel? I can tell you from personal experience that I don’t know how to answer any of these questions. Talking is over rated when your heart is aching, when you feel lonely. Keeping that pain inside can be mentally draining. I am not sure how to move past the pain and remember the good memories, because all memories turn in to that one horrible day of not being able to say goodbye.
On October 9th 2009 I gave birth to my baby boy Jackson. I have been around babies my whole life so I thought I had everything all figured out. I didn’t realize how much I really had to learn, being a parent is so much different the being an aunt. My mom was a phone call away if I had questions or just needed to air my frustrations. I will happily omit that I was a very proud person and only asked for help when I was so far out of my league it was hard to breath. I was so lucky to have such a strong female influence through my mom and sisters and I don’t think I told any of them enough how thankful I am to them.
On November 25th 2009 I decided to go and see my mom and dad due to us having Thanksgiving with my in laws; I was not sure we would see on Thanksgiving day. My mom was acting really different, she seemed like she was in a lot of pain. I was nervous to let her hold Jackson because she was shaking so much and just kept saying she hurt. I remember sitting in her kitchen and talking to her about everything and nothing. Most the time my conversations with my momma was me rambling and her trying to follow along. After about an hour and many “I love you’s” we left my moms house and I just remember telling Luke how I wish I knew how to help my mom, she was in so much pain and I didn’t know how to help her, I felt so useless.
On November 26th 2009 my little family unit went to Delta to spend Thanksgiving day with my in laws. We had so much fun just visiting and talking but we decided to do dessert with my side of the family so headed back to town early. We got to my nieces house and after the disappointment of realizing my parents have already left we had an amazing end with lots of family. A big group of us decided that we should go to the parade of lights the following day.
We met at Enstrom’s and decided hot chocolate was what we needed. As everyone was ordering and joking and talking my sister called me. I picked up but decided to step outside so I could hear her. That is when she said “mom past away”. I can’t honestly tell you if these were her exact words everything was in kind of a fuzz at this point. Nothing she said really click but I walked back into Enstrom’s and nearly walked right into my sister in law and said “mom is dead”. Again not sure on the exact words but the words came out calm in my fuzz I just remember looking for Luke so we can go to my parents house. My sister in law asked me what I was talking about.I think at this time other family members I was around were getting the same phone call I just got.
I know my husband drove me to my parents house but don’t remember the trip. Outside my moms house Luke was asking what I wanted him to do rather him and the kids stay, or have him take the kids home and get them to bed. My parents house was already packed and I didn’t really even know why I wanted to be at the house anyways. I decided to have Luke go home, Brian was just 3 years old, and Jackson just a little over a month old they wouldn’t know what was going on. I walked in the house after lots of hugs, and words of love that I couldn’t repeat due to not knowing what was going on and just sat down on a chair.
My niece had Tori her daughter that is about 6 months older then Jackson and I just watched her. I didn’t look around and I didn’t talk to anyone, I gave hugs when someone looked liked they needed one but other then that I can’t really remember anything. This I can openly omit that was the worst day of my life, and about 60% of it I can’t even remember because I was in such a fog.
I can tell you this has been over 6 years almost 7 and I am still processing what the heck happened. I refused to talk about my mom for a long time, I wouldn’t even listen to the happy memories everyone had of my beautiful mother. I was angry if any of my brothers and sisters wanted to talk about how I was doing, or talk about her in past tense. I don’t know if this was the denial portion of grieving, and I can’t tell you that I ever got past this.
My mom was my strength, my happy place, my sad place. My mom was my place of pure love and I never felt like I had to be anything but myself to feel that love. Although I still don’t feel like my mom is really gone even after all this time I feel okay with telling my kids stories about her. I want my kids to understand that my mom may not be here to help me support them with unconditional love that my mom did indeed unconditionally love them. I feel myself still drifting away from certain topics when they are about my mom but I feel more comfortable remembering. I will take that as a win for today and hope for many more wins in the future.
Categories: Family